yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
I could of sworn you were praying in the strip club.
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
Maybe he injected his testicle?
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
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