so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
just saw a former disney star do a keg stand. her life choices have improved.
All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
the good news is that i vommed the last of my humanity last night.
welcome to the club.
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
Randomize
