Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
I don't even know if he's actually hot or just hot because he plays hockey..
You did not just say that.
Randomize
