we just stared at taco bell's menu on the website for 2 hours
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
She used the word "fragged" in proper context. tell me that's not bust-nut hot.
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
So I fell alseep while I was motorboating that girl last night infront of the entire party.
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