i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
can you go into shock from having too many orgasms? i think i went into shock.
IF SOMEONE ASKS YOU IF YOU WANT THE GOOD DRUGS YOU SAY YES.
We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
I just volunteered myself to get tazed this should get interesting
Pillow talk was a high five, this morning she made dinosaur muffins for the house. I love chapel hill
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
