you screamed 'he won't go on a date with me, but he gave me a free junior chicken'
well imagine, me dating the manager equals free junior chickens for everyone
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
I was very proud of myself that day. I had an awesome time. I don't care if I negatively impacted others.
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
Germany has fetish clubs for everything. We are going to Germany. Germany is our friend.
He just pulled out my weave during sex....needless to say I'm embarrassed and in need of another shot pronto
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
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