she has a miserable personality but its a good think you dont have sex with that
pussy has no personality
Amen to that
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
It got kind of awkward when her dad brought home a 20 something asian girl at 3am
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
Randomize
