You thought that the "chillable" logo on the box wine was referring to a city in italy.
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
hung over. covered in somebodies makeup. and ready to drink.
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
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