um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
so then the cop took one last hit off our blunt and then drove off in his car and we just all stood there thinking, yea... that just happened...
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
we decided to take the jello everclear shot at the party...didnt think it tasted any different....o dear god...the regret..
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
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