I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
and on the fourth day, god made foam parties.
She's licking the seat belt now. Feeling a little uncomfortable
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
Randomize
