dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
I wonder what gingers are like in bed...as awkward as their hair or just as unique as it...?
Avril Lavigne as a judge on Idol wearing devil ears. it's like every boner you ever had in 2002 just came true.
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
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