Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
Just saw someone buying TWO six packs of O'Doul's. WHY ??
Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
It seems that only way I've actually improved myself after 2 years of writing for the school newspaper is that I've mastered the art of descriptive words to improve my sexting skills
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
He asked me for a pic so I sent him a pic of my boyfriends dick.
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
I had to google some of the kinky sex shit she was telling me she was into.
If that is not a reason to propose to her then I don't know what is
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Randomize
