glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
So she stayed over last night and slept walked in to my moms room where she used the bathroom and then proceeded to get in bed with my moms naked boyfriend. So yeah, at least now my family got to meet her.
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
I have nothing to say for myself. When 2chainz comes on at the bar all bets are off.
BING! You are now free to move about my panties. He just left for work.
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
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