when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
you inspire me to be a worse person
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
Drunk in my research methods class at 9:30 in the morning. We should do a quantitative analysis of my mimosa consumption.
I am both scared and jealous.
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
Dude is PACKING. And yes I am holding up a cross and holy water and hissing like a pissed off goose.
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