Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
Now I know Sunday Funday means fucking till you loose your voice.
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