I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
He's a downgrade and it was quick. But it was dick nonetheless.
Randomize
