remember that time i ran away from the bar and passed out in a street cot?
neither do i
rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
He was sucking my nipples then stopped, looked me dead in the eyes and said "im gonna cum for my babygirl"
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
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