Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
well he has a gf so if he picks me up tonight i'll only him finger me
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
Well sort of got busted by a cop while having sex outside, so your call
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
That was before I lit my hair on fire
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
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