fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
i just googled 'classy porn'. high, low, i dunno i just got bored of cum shots.
That's what happens when you let Keystone Light make your decisions.
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
wow, so sex, not that great its like masturbating with a warm towelette, like the kind you get at a japanese restaurant
Wake and baked to watch the boston marathon. God I love massachusetts
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
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