She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
Confirmed. Vegetarians give terrible head.
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
It's all fun and games until some random starts jerking it on the deck.
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
He brought over a bottle of tequila and a box of donuts with the Plan B, so I guess you could say things are getting pretty serious.
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
Randomize
