Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
I wonder if the sex shop has any Black Friday deals.
Randomize
