I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
So, does it mean i'm loose if he can't even tell when he fell out?
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
Omg. The news was on TV while I was giving him a bj...when the weatherman said its a beautiful start to December, he groaned and said it sure is.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
Randomize
