Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
It was unlikely that the relationship was going to end with anything other than antibiotics.
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
My professor is wearing skinny jeans, orange socks and just said penetration. I don't know what to think
Randomize
