I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
So this is where people who peaked in high school come to drink?
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
Haha ohman remember when I peed in your blender? Gotta love college.
YOU DID WHAT???
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
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