can't decide if i want to get drunk or coked for this harry potter thing.. it is kind of long
aren't you going with children?
why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
i broight you flpweers amd vodka. open yoir bask door
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
being a senior sucks, I just started embracing my inner slutty college girl, and it's almost time to put her away...for like, ever. and i really like her.
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
Because Kyle had a tattoo kit at his house and I wanted one and all he could draw was a mustache or a stickman on fire
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
Every time Brady gets sacked I cum a little...
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
Randomize
