Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
I want your cock.
All we are is dust in the wiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnd
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
The air taste purple.
Randomize
