haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
I don't know what's more sad having a rewards account at a liquor store or already racking up 273 dollar points since january
apparently there was a flour fight and couch sex...
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
donating our bodies to science does not justify what were doing to them.
in the middle of getting head my cat meowed. she looked up , meowed back, and then continued giving me head.
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
blue gatorade loses no color upon regurgitation
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
Randomize
