There was an extended period of my adolescent life where my friends and I would get high, drive around in my minivan listening exclusively to the wu tang clan, and intentionally crash into snowbanks
I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
I started to trust fall random people on the dance floor
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
Randomize
