her nipple to breast ratio was just odd
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
its time for step 4 of getting over him: post his number on the transvestite page on craigs list asking for pics
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
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