Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
She said she couldnt do it today but shed make it up to me next week
stick it in her butt and if she asks, say that thats what you thought she meant
Currently in a meeting. i am playing the not throw up game. god i hope i dont lose.
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
Randomize
