I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
before the moonshine you were already braiding the bouncers beard -_-
Megan brought her friend up last night, greeted her by drunkedly taking a piss all over her duffle bag of clothing
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
i always handshake my one night stand, im classy like that.
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
I'm in the Sheetz parking lot waiting for dad to finish a drug deal.
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
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