is your mom at the bar?
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
Hahaha you puked all over his shirt.
You puked in the planter and everyone saw your snatch.
Well someones bitter they didn't get any.
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
This guy is walking around with a deer head on. Honestly what the fuck
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
Well I've always wanted to get head while playing WoW...
K I'll do it, but mine is going to be WAY weirder. Your not allergic to shellfish, right?
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
Randomize
