And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
Single handedly the worst sex I've ever had just went down. Its like we both laid there after word-less thinking about the other " could they be any worse in bed" ?
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
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