I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
I hope that the reason I've been psycho on him is that I'm pregnant and not just psycho.
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
So really what you're asking for is an allowance to not have sex on our futon.
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
well at least now you can say you got an STD from the frontman of a band no one's heard of
fuck you.
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.
I will warn you that there is a pic of me riding a buffalo....and for the record, I was completely sober!!
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
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