you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
I have no idea. Next thing I know we're all down on one knee saying the pledge of allegiance and then singing I'm Proud to be an American. Then Trevor ate pizza off the sidewalk.
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
i was drinking at the bar last night with a guy with no bottom teeth, wearing zubas and a polka dotted hat. if that isn't the definition of wisconsin, i dont know what is
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
She helped me out of the car and i face planted into the snow.....and just stayed there and took like a 30 min nap.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
Randomize
