Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
rainy day on campus = new personal fetish for girls in booty shorts and colorful rain boots
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
I wonder if they have a "21st birthday" section in the hospital..
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
Is she still on a quest to lick every stranger that enters the bar, or have the restraining orders reached critical mass?
Randomize
