it's too hot outside to masturbate.
i paused nhl 10 while i jerked off and it was like a crowd was cheering me on
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
We had sex and then stood naked in his living room eating zucchini bread.
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
Randomize
