He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
There is way too much butt cleavage here for a formal event.
Randomize
