just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
his apartment was in a funeral home, walk of shamed through a visiation in the skankiest outfit i own
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
I'll ask around, all of my friends have girlfriends now for the most part though so they're all dead inside
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
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