Umm I'm too high to move.
Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
OMG THIS GUYS LICENSE PLATE IS GETTNHRWET
someone just puked in the library. they put up caution tape. i totally underestimated finals week.
update: last drink of the night and im naked in my porch hammock. life is good.
You are right. The scrape marks on her ass are from her breaking the doggy door by crawling through it.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
so i just met a former male stripper who has a lion king tattoo. new BFF? i think yes
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
Randomize
