Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
Had the best sex Thursday night then Friday night I met his girlfriend. The worst thing is we became friends like she gave me her number.
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
