i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
Randomize
