You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
It was an interesting experience to have sex while there was a triathlon going on right outside my bedroom window because it sounded like everyone is cheering for you in bed.
How supportive!
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
I'm waiting for you in a manthong right now.
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