Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch.
Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
You yelled "hold my dick" before you tackled the guy away from the dj and two random girls moved to actually hold it, then argued about it. I want that whore aura!
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
NO HOOKUPS IN THE CAR. I will try as i might to practice what i preach, but there are no guarantees.
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
Randomize
