I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
Fuck at this point id do just about anything for 20 bucks
That has been your downfall in past encounters with 20 dollars bills
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
She came out of my bathroom wearing nothing but high top Converse, a leather jacket and a tongue stud. I love rock bars.
I hope so much that you got average or above average dick tonight because I wish you the best
I just threw up on the way to class. Legit, on the sidewalk by psych building.
THAT WAS YOU? Psych prof just pointed out the window and said "that kids, is why you don't pregame before class"
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
Randomize
