Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
You dont remember anything at all? So you dont remember the shop down my road with the 'TO LET' sign over it? You were adamant that the 'I' had fallen off and that it used to say TOILET...so you took a shit right there in the doorway.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
Is 'too horny to study' a good enough medical excuse to not take a final?
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
BTW, Julia referred to you as a power bottom. Are you available?
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
Randomize
