I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
Me too. We could do it like prostitutes. No kissing on the mouth.
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
Randomize
