Is it wrong to scream your own name when about to bust?
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
Question: rebounding with your exboyfriend over your rebound guy is healthy right?
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
i'm covered in glitter and body paint WTF
We're showing the video later bring pizza
You kept chewing on the empty milk carton and saying "kitty" over and over again. It was an interesting night.
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
