I got her a Nickelback box set.
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
This can only be settled by a dance off.
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
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