Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
That level of neurosis does not find love outside of Grey's Anatomy.
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
Tell them you aren't trying to make money, you are just the mr rogers of weed,its such a good feeling a very good feeling the feeling you know that were friends
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
You should just construct a mini-city, actually. Then destroy, photograph and post. Who could turn down a dick that conquered a whole city? Craigslist personals wont know what hit it.
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
Butt Stuff 2016 unites us all
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
Randomize
