Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
I WANT TO. I JUST IMAGINE HIS BEAUTIFUL BLONDE HEAD INBETWEEN MY LEGS AND I BREAK DOWN AND START CRYING.
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
He uses Bing as his search engine...but he's great in bed. So obviously I'm torn.
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
the girl next to me was drawing sonic the hedgehog on her exam what the fuck
godspeed
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
Randomize
