You're the unicorn of the gay community. Unbelievable and unattainable.
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
i dont know whats weirder. that i told him he stabbed me in my dream or that he told me i wasnt the first girl to tell him theyve been killed by him in a dream
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
Randomize
