so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
come over. we are watching hoarders and playing i spy.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
You are mentally unprepared to be exposed to my degree of perversion.
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
I am an advanced cybernetic robot sent back in time to 2013 to fuck my wife senseless for hours on end. Have you seen this wife?
Eddy, if you don't want to roll play then say so. This is just obnoxious
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
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